#which isnt a bad thing and logically i know it isnt but it still hurts

[denkilightning]

S3P2 spoilers!!! spoilers!!!

it was so upsetting to see Jay obviously hurt and angry (“they lied too. tons.”) and actually kind of opening up the ninja and lloyd just. no lie going “well anyway” ??

jay made clear the whole season he was there for MONEY. He tried to leave MULTIPLE times and each time lloyd got him to stay but promising more money. Jay made sure his intentions and why he we there was never a question, so when he wasn’t getting the money he was promised, he opted to leave, and for some reason, he was blamed for that? They repeatedly tell him they’ll pay him which cements in his head that this is a FAIR trade, he’s Not Getting used, until he eventually realizes he literally is. Nobody fucking told him that they want him there because they love him? Sure he wouldn’t have believed them, but we see through the season that he’s slowly growing fond of them. Getting him to slowly believe that they care through positive reassurances would’ve totally avoided all of that— but no??? They just kept reinforcing the fact that they want him for his help by offering him more and more money (and lloyd says “it’ll be good to have more help” and nya says “especially ninja help” to which jay replies “not a ninja, but i can’t pass up more money.”)

Not one attempt to make him believe he’s wanted and loved, just bribing him with money and getting upset when he leaves because he’s not getting the money. absolutely crazy work. fantastic writing but crazy for the ninja.

He told them straight up, to their FACES, that he doesn’t trust anyone but himself anymore because he keeps getting used and lied to. Not even an implication, he straight up says it. And for some reason this wasn’t a point of concern for the ninja?

Granted it was only nya and lloyd there, (not counting wyldfyre since she doesn’t really know him or care for him like the others) and lloyd could be semi-excused since he’s always had a penchant for being bad at comforting people (exhibit a: arin and his parents) and was overall pretty distant this season due to stress. But nya?????? Oh man. it feels as though she was more focused on getting him to like her back rather than the fact that jay only memories are of being lied to and abused.

Also, when jay opens up to the ninja about his immediate circumstances post merge, being that he was a) alone b) amnesiac c) scared d) and he trusted the first people who found him and claimed they knew him, and they were disappointed in him? What? He didn’t even remember his own name!!! he was disorientated and alone?? Of course he would latch onto the first person he saw. He didn’t know a single thing about himself.

It was genuinely just so upsetting to watch. Sure he’s cruel now, and has lesser morals, but it’s not like he’s going around killing people senselessly. (he acknowledges that a full blown massacre could fail and wouldn’t work and came up with a better plan, which worked perfectly mind you, and the ninja were still doubting him the whole time). Nya spent a little time with him painting and dancing and when it didn’t fix his soul or his memories, for some reason JAY got blamed for that? I’m not sure how that logic got there when Jay repeatedly shown the other ninja, post-bonding in lee, that he isnt fixed (i.e going to kill lee, leave the residents, etc) and all that happened afterwards…christ. i have no words

Whenever he does something cruel or doesn’t believe them or snaps, they equate it to jay shattering his soul, not that he’s been mindlessly used and abused and manipulated for quite literally his whole life (to him) and is lashing out in distrust. But when he does something good (i.e, painting, sneaking around,) it’s immediately credited to him being a ninja.

There’s no middle ground at all, and to be honest i don’t blame jay for leaving at all. i understand for nya emotions were running high for her and she was lashing out too (she obviously feels bad for what’s happening given that she was talking to herself the next episode about how she doesn’t need jay). but to be honest if i was jay i wouldn’t join these fuckass ninja either 😭

jay is literally doing everything theyve asked him to and theyre still kicking him in the teeth for it AND HE STILL FUCKING TRIES OPENING UP TO THEM

HES TRYING HE IS TRYING TO BECOME FRIENDS HES LITERALLY USING THE SAME TACTIC BUT REVERSED TO SEE IF THEY WANT HIM TO OPEN UP

because he did the same thing with zeatrix in p1 where he goes 'this target must be pretty important' so she opens up and he does the same thing with the merlopian admin agent when he asks her about the ethnic dances and hes reversing it by saying admin lied a fuckton looking genuinely hurt and No One. Picks It. Up.

hes actually trying to be good he just never had a single person be genuinely kind to him so him trying is well meaning but mean worded and hes trying so hard and they just kick him over and over again.

literally how badly you have to fuck up for the person that has Nothing To Lose And Has Never Known Kindness to realise how badly youre treating them and Leave

yeah if i were him i wouldve just blown up the roof of the monastery portal and left them there to die cus fucking hell

before s3p2 when i used to talk about how the ninja will like the idea of jay more than actual jay I Thought I Was Reading It All In Bad Faith And Negatively Exaggerating And Somehow Theyre Even Worse.

[deepwoundsandfadedscars]

Sat down to have a chat with my cousin before he flies home tomorrow to his wife, just cause I was anxious that she would try to twist it against me if she talked to him first, I explained my side of what the interaction was and the blatant lies she claimed, and he's not at all surprised and in fact is already planning on getting a paralegal when he gets home to start getting her the fuck out of his life

Me last night: hmm maybe I want another tattoo, I'm going to start talking to this artist *sends message*

My cousins wife: *sends an incredibly hostile message about how I've been ignoring her and she's gone above and beyond for me trying to be supportive of me, when in reality she hasn't texted me first since November and when I text her, she's very short with me and makes no effort to continue a conversation with me*

"Yeah hi, artist? Make that three tattoos"

[mihaelkeehlofficial]

I wouldn’t say you’re being a dick to people for no reason. While I will admit that a lot of times people say you’re being unnecessarily mean, you are, in fact, being mean. Sometimes even cruel. The people you say these things to often don’t deserve it, but it’s not being said for no reason.

I’d argue that even if mello doesn’t quite realize it, or won’t admit that he thinks this way, he’s doing it to protect himself. Most of the media that portrays borderline behavior is heavily romanticized, or focuses on the behaviors that can be perceived as “cute obsessive” like a yandere or a really shy stalker, shit like that. But protecting yourself doesnt always mean pushing everyone else away from the one you love, or learning everything about your loved ones in order to know how to please them so they won’t leave.

Honestly, a lot of the time it presents as anger and resentment. Towards yourself and often to the person you love. This happens for a vitality of reasons, but almost every medical text about bpd folks lashing out on ppl they love agrees on one overall reason: to dumb it down, it’s basically too much emotion for brain. Spills out. These emotions are extremely overwhelming, like almost every emotion feels for someone with a mood/personality disorder. But the negative ones are way harder to contain in my experience.

The emotions range from fear to anger to rage, and even if it’s not targeted or caused by the person they’re talking to, and it’s often not, they still could take it out on them.

In mellos case, we know he has a problem when he’s second in anything. That means he worked his ass off, he was almost there, and yet someone else managed to beat him, and still does to this day. Mello likely doesnt hate near for the reasons he says. We do know he hates that he can’t beat him, and that’s not nears fault, which mello probably knows. He may be emotionally driven at times but he’s extremely smart. He takes the anger he feels towards himself and his abilities, which he deems not good enough, and takes them out on the person who is “good enough”. Because of all yhese negative thoughts towards near, it’s likely he can’t even recognize the good parts of him anymore. From my observation, mello sees things very black and white, good or bad, right or wrong. Not much grey. Near is bad because he makes mello feel bad. If he does good things, in mellos eyes that means he has to be lying, because “near is bad”.

With Matt it’s a bit more complicated, imo. Matt could probably fit the favorite person title. Mello clearly enjoys his company more than most people’s. He would likely be distraught if Matt left his life, but even more so if Matt left by choice. Mello also sees weakness as “all bad”, i think. He doesn’t like being vulnerable even when it would be the logical choice in a situation. He was put in a vulnerable position when Matt noticed the boyfriend thing. Mello didn’t control the situation, and Matt didn’t give away how he felt, so the conversation could go any direction. That likely scared the shit out of mello, whcih he’ll deny, because being scared is “weak” which is bad. So instead of allowing Matt to leave him by choice, he pushed him away instead. This gave him control of the situation. If Matt can’t reach him, he can’t leave him. If mello doesnt say anything, Matt can’t use anything against him. We all know Matt wouldn’t do that. But mello has trauma, and that really changes how you view everything. The safest people aren’t safe, because nothing is. Even the full “good things” aren’t completely safe. They can turn bad much quicker then a bad thing can turn good.

I’m kind of ranting a lot, so I’ll wrap this up. What mello is doing isnt healthy, it hurts people. It could be argued that it’s selfish. But it’s a response to being treated horribly. He’s not “becoming the abuser”, but rather, he’s scared of the people close to him becoming another bad person in his life if they get too close. He decides to be mean first so if they’re mean back, it’s a response to him being mean, and he deserves it. If he was being vulnerable and nice, and the situation turned into the person hating him, he would know they hate the real him. His vulnerable side. So instead of being attacked for who he is, he attacks first, so anything he gets in response is a response to his words he doesn’t mean, rather then the real him.

He distances himself by making people not want to like him because he chose to make them not like him. He controlled the reason they left. He distanced himself from Matt, thoufh, by straight up pushing him away by cutting off communication. If Matt leaves, it’s because mello let him. Of course, I’m sure it hurts mello almost as much as the poeple he does this too, maybe even more at times. But it’s better than the alternative, in his mind.

Mello wasnt always in control of his life, and bad shit happened. Now, to avoid said bad shit, he makes sure to stay in control, even at the cost of his mental health.

Sources 😅

I think I’m decently knowledgeable on the topic, mostly from my own experience as someone who perceives the world in a similar way to mello, and has lots of the same relationship and communication issues. Also, for the anti-self diagnosis ppl or whatever thinking Im just some tiktok loser, I am professionally diagnosed with bpd, oppositional defiant disorder, and a few other things that don’t really apply to mello himself, but present similarly. For example, harm oriented ocd that leads to self destructive tendencies, and while not yet listed in my long ass list of medical issues, my therapist (therapist #9) is almost positive about intermittent explosive disorder. In short, I have anger issues that stem from my own trauma and emotional instability. Also back to the 9 therapist, I’ve been in various kinds of therapy for 11 years. I’ve heard lots of opinions, and this is mine, so in no way is this pure concrete facts.

Wh- Don't try and psychoanalyse me! Half of that was fucking wrong anyways. I'm good at making people like me, and I do really hate Near. I'm also not SCARED, I... don't... Ugh, just fuck OFF. Christ. You people will latch onto anything.

[angy-grrr]

I don’t get why ppl keep saying bkdk is dead or Horikoshi broke off bkdk. If that were true, this extra would look very different as you pointed out multiple times. The extra was still heavily focused on them and I hate how ppl are letting one no dictate the entire relationship. Izuku asks him to be a special lecturer too. I think the no just needs more clarification but other than that it is mostly fine. If a ship were to be shut down by the creator, it would look very different. Same logic for if a ship were to be canon, it would look different than what we got in the end for izu///ocha. This extra was bad in different ways from ships. It was just a whole lot of nothing that doesn’t meaningfully add anything to the story but I guess we shouldn’t be surprised since it is an extra. It is still an ambiguous ending that can be pretty fixable by one shots by Horikoshi in the future or even better by fanfiction lol. Except for the Toga part. That is just inexcusable

himiko-chan :(

and yeah! like even tho 431 is terrible not only for pairs but also for the whole story, it only confirmed Katsuki feels something really strong for deku and he doesnt notice bc he doesnt consider himself to be that great; they keep talking, and they keep being in each other's lives with no problem -they also imply they will work on communicating their feelings, as the special lecture is about this topic and deku also thinks katsuki doesnt see himself in a high regard. This is actually something that could be used in the future, as their relationship and arc isnt completely finished -in the way that they arent at a point of no miscommunication, no yearning, etc. They still need something to work with in regards to themselves and each other in the process. When it comes to midoriya and uraraka, idk what exactly could develop from what 431 tell us -seems to be mostly about paying attention to the ppl in your life instead of just letting life happen I guess? But idk what conversation or arc they could have together that wasn't resolved already, it was a really weird choice to focus on them as if there needs to be more explored -which is why choosing to not make them talk to each other nor think of the other in these years is potentially interesting, like the only way they could actually need to talk things up or have a separated special moment is if they just stop being friends and want to talk more from now on. Like, if they kept their friendship these years and were part of the other's life, there wouldnt be a moment like this at all.

I think it hurt mostly ochako -and deku if we interpret it as "deku just wants to be teacher, he is super happy about it, and loveeees so much his ex bestie after 8 years of no contact and never thinking about her"-, more than the bkdk relationship.

It would be interesting to see those one shots, if he does them -I know he said he wanted to do more things and little drawings and content for it, but idk if he will do something elaborate or just one page of something silly. I think he still has to opportunity of working with the material and make something at least not this bad -or completely ignore 431 and just continue with their adventures like 430 implies lol If he wants to double down with the "romance" I have no idea how he could do it with what he has tbh, unless he just ignores the plot and their personalities.

[beatcroc]

How do you feel about Theodore Noisevelt? As someone with ADHD I can feel it oozinf out of him so bad I love him so much

noise is the one guy i've kept intentionally 1-dimensional/ comic relief because i simply enjoy tormenting him too much and if i gave him any real depth i'd start feeling bad about it shjsdjsdf. also i dont even TRY to reconcile the unmasked 'just some guy' Theodore J. with noise's regular look because theres just way too much mental dissonance there. hes not allowed to be normal like that theodore j. isnt real he cant hurt me

i started trying to come at this one like 3 different ways and it turns out i have a lot of trouble organizing my thoughts about noise too. he sucks and i hate him. by which i mean hes great and i love him. I think he's one of the best examples of how to make a character legitimately fun and enjoyable despite being a horrible little shitlord with zero redeeming qualities. You just gotta 1: keep it light, 2:CRUCIALLY: make him funny, and 3: as a potent extra bonus in noise's case specifically, make him a huge fucking loser who is only /almost/ able to fully convince you of the contrary.

Point 1 is like 90% just because this game is funny cartoons and leans hard into that, and noise is like, the MOST cartoons out of everyone. like when i say unmasked noise haunts me it's because he does not feel like he should be A Guy. he is a Cartoon Entity. but seeing as pizza tower can also pull a surprising amount of gravitas when it wants to, that last 10% is really just that like. Noise isn't really actively mean? He is an absolute hellion but he's not Mean. More than anything he just wants to get a rise out of people, and though this often entails being destructive, none of his bastardry really does much lasting or large-scale damage [compared to, perhaps, lets say, pizzahead]

2 wraps pack into both other points; he's funny both because it's cartoons, and because he's a huge loser. A tangential point to both of those that fits here though is that he's fucking like pathologically obsessed with peppino. Which is really par the course for like half the characters in this game, and i do think at least half the reason he targets peppino so much is just that peppino is Incredibly Easy to get a big reaction out of, but it also seems like there's more to it that just that? and for noise specifically there's like zero logical reason for it??? He is, in nearly all walks of life, far better off than peppino, and yet. Here he is. Seemingly quite jealous and insistent on tormenting [and perhaps even imitating?] this guy who is realistically quite far beneath him. And like. Why. Don't you have better things to be doing mr. TV star? You literally have better things to be doing but this is what you're dedicating yourself to you fucking little weirdo. And it's not even like a genuine hatred! It's a bit! They're still like lunch buddies off-camera or whatever! I forgot where I was going with this im moving on

Point 3 is just. He doesn't have any fucking friends? You can kinda get the vibe of this normally but getting his campaign REALLY drives home how much emptier all his shtick is than peppino's. And this would potentially be kinda sad if not for the fact that 1. He doesn't care at all and 2. It is his own damn fault. for being such a such a petty little gloryhound. like for the most part the cast of this game is pretty befriend-able but noise is only particularly interested in being the center of attention at all times; and he will lie, cheat, and kill to make sure it stays that way. and again hes allowed to do this because its funny cartoons. and also because no one cares. its just like yeah, that's noise, he's our local bastard, whatever. he puts on so much bravado and no one is phased by it they all know he is full of shit. he never drops the act because GOD FORBID he not be the coolest and best at everything forever and everybody else just kinda lets him believe it and/or let him believe he has them fooled. there's also the occasional peeks that he hates but then like BRO WHY ARE YOU DOING IT???? YOU CAN STOP. NOBODY WOULD MIND!! IVE SEEN YOU HAVING CASUAL LUNCH WITH PEPPINO!!!! anyway. i think thats pretty much everything i wanted to say.

tldr: thank you funny cartoons

[sapphire-weapon]

In RE4 OG leon even knows that ada is working for wesker and by that point in the series and with leon being in the government how could he not know what kind of person wesker is, how could anyone not know what kind of person wesker is? It's so hard to believe even if we dont consider leon a smart guy (tho ada described him "practically a genius" very generous of her) and I knowww that line is such a throwaway one but it still exists in OG verse😮‍💨😮‍💨

The fandom's understanding of how the world in general works is fucked so I'm just basing this off of what leon knows, says and does. The only way I can see this is he knows, he ALWAYS knows she isn't good but he voluntarily lets her actions slide. He lets her go not bc he really thinks she's a good person, and and it's not bc he's pro BOWs either, he's just weak with love(?).

Then there's the question if he knowingly let himself be weak with love by always letting her leave despite fully knowing she isnt good and it will hurt the world does that mean he prioritizes ada and his personal love over the world's safety, meaning he still is not a really good guy?? Ughh it's just so hard to believe leon genuinely thinks ada is good when he knows who wesker is and he always sees her showing up wanting to take a sample of something really bad. Like no one is THAT oblivious for that long and this is a gov agent we're talking about.

no i disagree, just because he knows she's working with wesker doesn't mean that he thinks she's on his side. he's suspicious of her and is constantly questioning her throughout RE4, but he ultimately lets her go at the end BECAUSE

krauser tells leon that he's gone full villain "all for umbrella's sake" -- which says to leon that he's also working with wesker

and then ada shoots the knife from krauser's hand and says "looks like we have the upper hand here" -- "we" meaning "leon and i" -- which implies that ada is now on leon's team, not krauser and wesker's anymore

then, later, krauser says to leon: "so you two are all hooked up now, is that it?"

cementing the fact that krauser and ada were on the same team, but ada's gone rogue.

so, at that point, leon has every reason to believe that ada only took jobs from wesker with the intention of fucking him over in the end -- which is true, and he was right, which does speak to his intelligence. and it's why we never see him hardcore question her again like he did throughout RE4. he's still suspicious, sure, but he ultimately trusts that she'll do the right thing in the end.

like the issue is that he makes the critical logical mistake of thinking that ada's betrayal of wesker applies to everyone that she works with/for, which isn't true. ada fucked over wesker, but she never fucked over other guys like simmons. she backed the fuck off when she found out what a scumbag simmons was, but she never screwed him over like she did with wesker.

but leon spends most of RE6 believing that she did, because that's what he believes she does to all of the bad guys, because that's what she did with wesker. but then, during the final boss fight, simmons basically confirms that that's not true, which is what leads leon to stand there at the end asking "why [is ada] helping us?" -- because he realizes that he doesn't know her nearly as well as he thought.

[squeiky]

Sometimes I get really sad and lonely and then I scroll through tumblr.

I think I have to start making a routine to walk outside, but i keep making excuses not too. The only outside place I want to be is on my porch and a park that’s 30 minutes away.

I’m really lonely apparently. It’s a side effect of having very little of a social life (aside from the few interactions on here. Since I don’t interact with anyone on any other site tbh.)

I think it’s just easy for me to be alone. Like I’m sure I developed some kind of abandonment issues and I’m fully aware of how it makes me feel- and that might be why i keep avoiding irl interactions.

Everything feels easier here. No anxiety no pressure. I know people here are okay and already know my goofy little self. I don’t have to worry about appearances and present how I desire. I don’t feel trapped.

I can scream into the void here. I can keep screaming and maybe one day, someone might just scream back. It’s a good feeling.

I keep feeling guilty for posting or rebloging so much. I look at other people getting asks or interactions as “successes”. I see comments and tags and it’s “success”. At what? Hell if I know. Perhaps some social game like popularity, or the fact that somebody is liked enough to have people talk to them.

Ugh, I used to read my old blog posts from an account long abandoned. Reeked of insecurity. I see myself falling back into that spiral over and over again whenever the darkness creeps up a little to closely. Like I can only eve ignore it for so long, until I’m back to screaming again like I am now.

It’s like that stupid feeling, like someone in the back of my mind is screaming “please be with me.” It’s crying all the time.

I don’t know what freindship is, I only see people in black and whites of “useful” and “not useful” the definition of useful isnt exact and varies person to person, but I recognize this is my thought process.

I guess there’s the guilt of it all too. Some underlying shame or guilt constantly pestering me. I hate annoying things and it’s really annoying.

I’m young, and I’m still figuring things out. Though that doesn’t really invalidate or solve how I feel now. Idk.

At some point in time I forgot how to talk to people in real life. It’s like when I do my soul leaves my body and I just go on autopilot. Only to return to a state of constant evaluation and analysis (which are my saviors).

Sometimes I just want to stay broken. Or maybe I was never broken to begin with. I don’t know. I’m sad and buttnaked writing this at 11:54 because I’m slowly developing a fear of sleeping (technically I just have s very strong desire to stay awake for no reason in particular.)

I fucked up with the alt descriptions for my art. I’m unsure if I’m making excuses not to make alts because it’s too much effort-or it’s something else.all I know is that I feel guilty about it.

I hate guilt (or is what I feel shame? I’m uncertain). I wish I never felt it. It’s a disgusting feeling that only does me bad. Usually I can just determine via logic when ive fucked up. But if what I feel is guilt then I do not like it. I wish it wasn’t there I wish it didn’t exist because it annoys me.

I cleared out my wounds too. I’m hopping I made it better by opening up a covered path that was clogging the infection gunk from getting out- and some dead skin. Getting hurt sucks.I thought I would be stronger. But I am reminded I am frail.

Screaming into the void in hopes of a freind. It’s a strange habit to have. Always screaming never a reply. I wish I could make things like this one person I follow. I’ve never seen them ever sad about their lack of interactions (atleast in this platform). I’m trying to be like that. But it sucks that I can’t register likes Orin the same way I do as reason people’s tags or comments or seeing their reblogs.

Since I’m always reblogging other peoples stuff, there’s always that nagging feeling when ever I make my own shit that it’s never enough.

One day though I think I’ll feel “enough”. I’ll drink champagne on that day and eat a chocolate cupcake. Just like a birthday celebration.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

im uninspired and feeling like my head is empty, because ive spent a longgg time hibernating in the safety and comfort of my own bedroom.

well a small lie - i did go out to buy groceries today. it seems were all in the same boat. its cold out! no one wants to go outside. but connection and social interaction is what brings us confidence and joy and comfort in the discomfort.

but yet somehow despite that discomfort (my anxiety about returning to the real world) i was completely fine. i was okay. because i think ive finally figured it out. i know how to take care of myself. i know how to make space in the world without feeling ashamed or guilty for it. or im learning. but im so so so much better than i was. a year ago, two years ago... etc.

ive been wondering why i thoughtlessly let myself fall into the trap of nostalgia and request an old friend that i cut off on instagram. hes probably wondering why now? and avoiding it. fair enough. im not going to rescind that decision - its done now. but still i question my logic in that moment. but thats the thing, i wasnt thinking. i was being hopeful. but either way - he doesnt owe me anything, even if we were to become reconnected i wouldnt want to reach out or make any plans together. which again begs the question of why i would even try get into contact again in the first place.

i guess i have just been feeling tired of wondering how everyone from my past is doing, and that things could and would be so chill and relaxed if id never jumped to blocking but actually calmly and slowly distanced myself. which is what i am capable of doing now - after a few years of practice.

but coming back full circle - this friend was not a true friend. my nostalgia is a rose coloured pair of glasses because i remember our friendship and bond and the fun we had and the mischief we got up to. but this person - was not a friend. he was ill intentioned and selfish, and didnt truly care for me. he disrespected me and hurt me time and time again. so no, he is not worth my energy anymore. once upon a time we were soulmates. but i changed. i grew up. we grew apart. it was natural. and for some reason... of all the people from my past i could have done it to... it was him?

to be fair i already did reach out to my ex in march. and then i changed my mind within a week or two. and then he reached out to me... isnt that crazy? the timing? the fact that god had us pass eachother by like doves in the wind or ships in the night... because despite our bond still being there - the memories, the connection, the impact we had on eachother - its not enough. it was never enough. again, i grew up, we grew apart, and it was natural.

so what does this all mean for me? my usual logic is to cut the cord and say goodbye. but my subconscious desire to love, be connected, and honour the relationships that made me the person i am today is becoming stronger and stronger. i can put aside my ego and hurt, because i healed. i let it go. it is in the past. the past stays in the past and all that matters is now. and right now - i am not the kind of person who just deletes a person from her life and calls it a day. people are not disposable. and while i respect that we are completely different people now, and our paths have diverged and we will never replace the connection we once had, it doesn't mean i want to let you go entirely. i remember you. i respect how much of an impact you had in creating the person i am today.

i also respect that i probably hurt you just as bad when i walked away. so while i am ready to let go and forgive and reach out, i dont expect you to feel the same. to receive that energy and respond to it. its in YOUR prerogative to simply ignore and delete that request in the same exact way i did.

but... i probably wont reach out to the other friend. some people stay in the past. idk. im lost now. my point is ive let go and forgiven. but nothing really has to change, only my behaviour moving forward. no mistake is worth my walking away. distance is my friend but i dont need to cut people off anymore. thats the easy way out. life isnt meant to be easy. i want to learn to do the hard thing... i am learning to do the hard thing.

this has been a healing experience. thank you, C <3

[midnight-soulless-system]

Hi OP :) I figured I'd jump in on thks discussion to maybe clear some things up

First, proshipping is not a thing. There is no such thing as a "proship". Proship is the MAIN fandom stance, about 90% of people that partake in fandom and proship if not more. It literally just is this: fiction does not affect reality on a 1:1 basis, ship and let ship, my kink it not your kink and that's ok (often referred to as Kink tomato), anti censorship, and anti harassment.

I have a therapist! My therapist know that I am a kodocon and she is just fine with this. She knows I engage with dark topics including pedophilia, rape, trafficking, etc. She has told me that this is good because it helps me process my trauma. I write things about sex trafficking, CSA, sexual abuse, and other tyoes of abuse because I have experienced those things. I also publish these writing as an original work on ao3 and other people have said that it has helped them.

I am also schizophrenic. I have DID. I use fiction to escape from my reality very often, HOWEVER I am a somewhat rare case. I sometimes cannot differentiate between reality and fiction however at that point? I'l out down the dark topics. I will engage with lighter fiction so that if I do have delusions or hallucinations about it, it won't be as disturbing to me.

Even though I struggle with this sometimes, I know at the end of the day that harming someone nonconsensually is wrong. If I were to hurt a real life child, that would be WRONG. Not because it's gross or disgusting, but because someone is hurt and they did not consent to it.

Now, I'm going to break down one of your paragraphs, point by point to explain some things.

"lolis and shotas are literal embodiments of CHILDREN. please read through this rentry because its written by a japanese person (because the term lolicon and shotacon came from japanese) who is educated on this topic. the fact that theyre fictional or not doesnt. MATTER. THEY'RE STILL EMBODIMENTS OF LITERAL MINORS! CHILDREN"

First of, the word "minor" is a legal term relating to a real life child that is not considered an adult. Also, shotas and lolis can be adults who just look or act childlike, they aren't always children.

I would like to ask you this. Let's say someone jerks off to a picture of a fake character, and it's NOT a child. Does anyone get hurt?

Now, let's say this character was a child. Yet again, does ANYONE in this situation nonconsensually get hurt? Because characters cannot be actually hurt. They are just things on a page. Now, if someone was getting off to a picture of a REAL child, this would be exploitation which is in fact harmful to the person being exploited. That is wrong because it nonconsensually harms someone, because kids cannot consent. Not because it is gross.

If you use disgust or emotion to base your morals, you become just like someone who believes that queer people are bad because they find it gross. You are doing the same thing. You CANNOT base your morals off of emotion. You can ONLY base your morals off of fact, if you do not you open the door to bigotry and fascism and that is not ok.

Now one of your other points.

"forgive me for being blunt but getting off to a real child or a child character that's fictional isnt much different! that is still very much a child no matter what!! for example lemme use a real thing that happened to me (i'm indian). you cant go calling an indian character a poor and barbaric and face an indian and be like, "well, i said that 'cuz the character's fictional. they're different things." THEY'RE NOT in this case! i know they're two different things but the logic is still pretty much the same (in my eyes)."

See this is different if it is based in prejudice and racism because racism actually harms people. This is where intent comes into play. Was this said because the character was indian or because that is who the character actually is?

I get it. I am a black person. I hate racist comments even when it's on fiction but intent often does come into play and this is also where you have to read with good faith. Ask questions! Let them know that, hey, this could come across as racist so maybe they should probably give reasons as to why they think the character is "barbaric" (also fun history fact the word barbaric comes from the greeks mocking other languages and going "bar bar bar" to create an us vs them type situation. anyways).

Also for endos, it has been proven by many studies that people have had plural experiences without trauma even before DID became "popularized". I have never met an endo that has claimed to have a CDD nor have I mat an endo that is doing it to mock DID. Every endo I met has genuinely understood thag CDDs are serious disorders that should not be faked. That is not what they're doing. Endogenic systems are completely different from traumagenic systems and at the end of the day, who are they hurting by saying there are other people in their head? Who are they taking resources from? WHAT RESOURCES ARE THEY EVEN TAKING? (not meant in like a yelling way but like. Emphasis).

And even if they were faking, why? Was it for attention? If so, you shouldn't shame them. You should direct them to healthier ways to get attention and EASIER ways to get attention! Shame normally does not help.

Also please just do not fucking censor things like this "cw: mentions of p*dophelia, SA/r*pe, n*zism, z*ophelia, loli/shota, racism, transphobia, ableism, proshipping, self-h*rm and s*icide etc." abd ESPECIALLY do not put it UNDER the cut. Screenreaders cannot read this. It sounds like this "cw colon mentions of P asterisk D O P H E L I A comma sa forward slash R asterisk P E comma" etc. etc. I don't want to type all that shit out, but you get the point. It's innacessible and just fucked up, ok?

Now let's break down some more things.

"radqueers want to make pedos, zoophiles, transids acceptable and normalised. but its not fucking normal. incest, pedopehlia, zoophelia. they all will NEVER BE NORMAL. these are MORALLY DISGUSTING and under no circumstances should be normalised. being attracted to your sibling, a fucking CHILD. they are things that you should recieve IMMEDIATE HELP FOR. if you are attracted by any of these please get help and visit a fucking therapist if possible."

You are wrong on many points here. Pedophilia, zoophilia, and necrophilia are not inherently harmful! Thought crimes aren't real. The only time that these become harmful is if the attraction disturbs the person who is attracted, if they struggles with their urges (because it's harmful for them and if they give in it' harmful to others), or if they have offended. Only at that point does it become a disorder, and in therapy the therapist or psychologist works to help this person come to terms with their thoughts and just get used to them. You cannot get rid of the attraction. That would be conversion therapy which is abuse and does not work.

Again disgust is NEVER how you should base your morals. That is a slippery slope and I really fucking need you and anyone who reads this to understand that.

"this is basically romanticising trauma several people have gone through, as i mentioned. radqueer or radqueer adjacent identities shouldnt be accepted as "identities". these are actually fucking concerning topics and very very VERY gross. please never normalise this.and then there's proshippers. basically the same thing as radqueer but including people who dont care about making it "acceptable". again, it's shipping characters on a morally wrong and/or "illegal" basis. its basically again, basing a ship off of SA, incest, pedophelia, zoophelia and the like. "

Yet again incorrect. Please refer back to the definition of proship. What you are thinking of is comship which includes any form of toxicity, abuse, harm, etc. A comship could be as simple as a couple who argues all the type. A more "dark" form of comship is darkship. These are things that, if done in real life, would cause extensive harm. Rape relations, trafficking relationships, Child/parent (or any adult), etc.

Many people who engage in darkshipping or dark media do not have any of the big three paraphilias and just like to engage with fucked up media. It's fun to torture your blorbos! It's fun to put them in distressing situations and think about how it would play out. We're physically human, we are curious by nature!

Also, the main bad thing of the radqueer community is not atypical dysphoria. The bad part is not wanting to be autistic or disabled. It is when people appropriate language and harm others that it becomes a problem. It is a problem when people start grooming others into believing that kids and animals and dead people can consent. It is a problem when people hurt others and use stereotypes to try and act like they are something they are not. THAT is the problem, not the atypical dysphoria.

"now, i say and will not stop saying. its play to be "weird". its okay to do things that dont abide as "normal" by society's standards. everyone's different in their own way, no one should be judged for it. but radqueers, transids etc. arent only "weird". they are GROSS. these identities are MORALLY, in Every aspect wrong. cannot be justified in any way." Again. Do not ever base your morals off of your or anyone else's disgust. That is harmful and is a slippery slope.

And before anyone sees this and goes "your therapist is grooming you!" or "Tell your parents you like this!" First off my mother does in fact know I'm a darkshipper and engage in media with these dark topics. She listens to me rant about it all the time. I've literally explained the anti vs proship debate to her and she thinks antiship is stupid as fuck. Why? Because it's fiction. And for the love of GOD no! You do not know more about psychiatry and psychology than my therapist who has been in the field for more than 20 years holy shit. Every single therapist I have been to has been ok with me being proship and engaging with these dark topics and I've had like, 4 I think (we used to move a lot and once you're in a state that a therapist isn't licensed in you can no longer see them for therapy which. sucks ass but we stopped moving so that's not a problem anymore).

Look, I used to be "antiship" or at least identified as it. Looking back, I had the wrong view of what proship meant and I have been darkshipping since I was fucking 5 years old. I also used to be antiendo but at the end of the day I thought about it and realized that even IF they're faking, if it makes them happy and they aren't hurting anyone then who gives a flying fuck? We have one life, and if you believe in reincarnation than you have this life and more but it's not like you're going to remember this one. Why should we spend our life suffering wondering "Omg if I ship these two characters together does that make me disgusting??" Like! Who cares?? It doesn't matter as long as no one gets hurt (nonconsensually).

I hope you actually get something from this and read in good faith as I have done with your post. Have a good day, and I await your possible response.

small rant because this pisses me off

cw: my opinion, dont bother arguing if u disagree

do lmk if i misunderstood anything

people are all like "why are xenogenders etc acceptable when radqueers, endosystems, transids arent?"

dude tjats the most stupidest question ive heard in my life

radqueers are HARMFUL. people who use mogai flags, terms, xenogenders etc dont use terms HARMFUL to any community. so what if someone is a theriankin? so what if someone goes by neopronouns? a person using xe/xer wont fucking make you explode. on the other hand, radically queer people seek to make pe dos, zoo philes etc ACCEPTABLE. this is fucking harmful. you're normalising trauma several people have gone through, you're justifying the actions of pe dos and the like, lolishos and whatnot. inc est is not normal and anyone who ROMANTICIZES this stuff absolutely needs help and to touch grass. proships and darkships will never be normal

so are transIDs. "TransN*zi" is absolutely crazy. you are using Trans people — who have faught their whole life and still fighting for basic rights — as an accessory for yourself. the dysphoria, pain, etc we have gone through isnt a fucking decoration. transracial, transage, transdisorder and transabled are literal fucking jokes. a disorder or a race isnt an accessory. youre literally making fun of trans people. transIDs are transphobic

endosystems. endosys in no way or form should be normalised. youre using fucking TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES that people have gone through as a system as your FUCKING AESTHETIC. dont pull the "oh! so many people have different personalitys and in their sentient mind everyone is plural" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHAT (this is an actual explanation ive seen of endosystems)

people who use unharmful labels did nothing to aggravate you so bad. people who use xenogenders, goodfaith IDs and neopronouns arent the problem. people who use mogai terms and IDs and c'link characters and IRL characters arent the problem.

radqueers, terfs, transIDs, exclusionists, etc are the problem.

if u read this whole thing lmao props for surviving my horribly worded rant!

[zuffer-weird-girl]

Can i request chisaki au where kin gets her first period and angel isnt there? Just kai panicking cus blood is unsanitary and kaito being confusion, maybe kai sending eight percepts to store for pads?

"You sure all of you will be fine?" You asked carefully while putting on your jacket as your husband only arched one of his eyebrows at your question.

"That must be the third or fourth time you ask me this before you go out."

"I know, and I'm sorry but I'm just worried." You huffed while kneeling down to out on your shoes "you and Kaito has been in each other throats lately-"

"I hate the teenage years... wish he was a kid again so it would be easier." He growled and whispered the last sentence, which resulted in making you snort.

"That's what happens to kids. They grow. As I was saying; you and Kaito discussions and Kin-"

"What about Kin?" Your husband interrupted you knew again making you roll your eyes "She had been in her best behavior."

"I know. Daddy's girl and all." You huffed while standing up "But I'm not worried about that. Kin is nine years old now Kai; and we still didn't talked about when she is going to turn into a "woman"" You made the gesture with your fingers.

Your husband blinked and you sighed.

"Her period Kai..."

"That's not going to happen now dearest."

"Love but she is almost at-"

"No she isn't. She is still a brat." He sighed while crossing his arms over his chest.

"Kai. Her breast had started to grow and you were adamant on not buying her a bra... I had to convince you to buy for her for almost 2 weeks..." You deadpanned as he scoffed.

You approached him with a smile before pecking his covered cheek, adoring how even years after marriage you could still see a bit of color to appear on his ears and cheeks at your lil interactions

"I absolutely love how you treat Kaito and almost worships Kin, but you know better than anyone that she is not going to be little forever."

Kai was a logical man. He knew how things in the world worked. He studied anatomy when he was only a kid just to have a better understanding of his quirk. Sometimes you were scared at how much Chisaki knew your body better than you.

But apparently when it comes to his kids, his knowledge was thrown out of the window. Even if he refused to admit it.

"Don't you have somewhere to go woman?" He growled as you giggled.

"Alright, alright. But we will discuss this after I'm back, okay?"

.

.

.

"Checkmate." He mumbled as the teenager in front of him scoffed and glared deep into his eyes with a scowl.

"Don't you have a bit of pity on your own son?" Kaito complained while readjusting the pieces once again as he merely chuckled humorless.

"Actually, no. No I don't."

He would have laughed at the extreme offended gasp and wide eyes his skn made if it wasn't a sudden girlish scream echoing in the house.

"Kin?!" He almost screamed while storming over at the direction of his daughter's room and as soon as he barged the door open he saw his little girl gripping her brow hair as her golden eyes teared up. "What in all hell happened brat?"

"I... I... I think I'm going to d-die!" The girl whimpered as she walked in circles

"Die? You sound fine-ow!" Kaito winced at the slight slap on the back of his head.

"What do you mean die Kin?"

"I was felling a bit of pain around h-here-" She circled the said area "A-and it was starting to get annoying but then I just went to the bathroom and t-there is so much blood down there! Is it suppose to bleed down there?! I don't remember hurting myself that bad so I must be DYING!"

He could only blink before the sudden realization came crashing down on him like a thunder... he swore he could feel his soul almost leaving his body at the exact same moment...

"Eh... " the confused sound his son made didn't made him feel any better.

Basically because Kin right now was the only girl inside that house, his wife had gone out and he is almost losing his head ar nothing the trail of blood coming from her bathroom....

"DAD SAY SOMETHING!" She almost yelled as he blinked back to reality.

"You got your period." He blurted out as he was almost leaving the room before pattiing Kaito on his shoulder "Stay with her and calm her down a bit. I will be right back."

"You're seriously pushing this shit to me instead ingles of dealing with it yourself? Is your daughter for Christ sake..." Kaito deadpanned at being completely ignored before he sighed and went after his sister.

.

.

"Pads...?" Nemoto blinked in shock as Overhaul felt like diving himself onto a hole.

"Yeah... my daughter..."

"Oh! Right right." The man nodded "Of course master, I will be right back. Is the miss alright?"

"Yes. She is with her brother..."

Nemoto could only guess that the one that was most freacking out wasn't even Kin anymore, but Chisaki himself....

.

.

"I told you this would have happened..." You sighed with a hand on your forehead after Kin and Kaito explained the whole situation.

"How was I suppose to know that you can get these by 9 years old?!"

"Nothing. But surely leaving out daughter with her older brother while you went on a rampage to clean wasn't the best idea..." You deadpanned as Kaito and Kin could only sigh.

[thewertsearch]

GA: Hello Again GA: Are We Friends Yet At This Point In Time GA: I Would Speculate That If We Are Not By Now Then It Is Probably Not To Be TT: Pardon? GA: Furthermore Which Rose Have You Chosen To Be This Time GA: The Stupid Rose Or The Smart Rose TT: I'm a little busy.

I wondered why Rose was being so cold here, and was about to call the Horrorterrors out for sinking my ship before it left the harbor - until I remembered this tidbit from GA.

Rose is playing a role here. She’s supplying the ‘disdain’ that GA mentioned before, knowing that she’s ‘destined’ to give her the cold shoulder for the next couple of conversations. 

It probably helps that she actually is busy here. She’s got Underlings to fight, and who knows what the gods of the Furthest Ring are whispering in her head. Indeed, this GA-predestination mechanic is a pretty good way to obfuscate what Rose is actually feeling right now. 

Rose’s mental state has been a huge question mark from the moment she burned those journals. Just how much of this is an act, and what’s really going on in her head? 

GA: Please Take Note Of The Subtle Scorn Underlying The Selection Of The Word Attempting GA: Smart Rose Should Get A Kick Out Of That GA: Smart Rose Is All About Subtle Scorn Isnt She

I know this was all fated, but it’s hard not to feel bad for GA here. She's still trying to be playful, and by all rights, it should be working

TT: Honestly, I was looking forward to playing along and reading your Dumb Rose script for our next conversation. TT: But it turned out there was a perfectly logical explanation for it all. TT: Imagine my disappointment. TT: While I imagine yours, once you finally catch on. GA: I Suddenly Dont Understand Anything GA: What Are You Talking About

8=8 better be a doozy, because this just hurts to read. GA is just so... confused. At least we know she rallies, consults with Dave, and tries to become ‘responsible’ for Rose’s attitude. 

GA: It Was I Who Did Something To Provoke Your Scorn In A Previous Conversation GA: One Which I Have Not Had Yet TT: Yes, that is definitely a conclusion you have just now drawn. TT: The only thing left to do is ride out the next several conversations while you maintain that understanding. TT: And while I maintain the chilly facade you have grown to so enjoy from Smart Rose. TT: Which shouldn't be too difficult, because... have I mentioned? TT: I'm busy. TT: Goodbye.

You know, there’s something about this dynamic that I haven’t considered yet. 

This is Future Rose’s first conversation with GA in months. How do you think she feels about that, however much of her still exists within Rose? 

Maybe this is a little personal. Future Rose was, from her perspective, abandoned by GA, and this might be her petty little revenge. 

[eggs-can-draw]

Shuichi in chapter 4 does make me a bit upset but honestly I’m more understanding

The au:

He in his mind just met kokichi a few weeks ago, he does know him from before, doesn’t know they have know eachother since they were like toddlers, all he knows and sees is someone who is compulsively lying and after chapter 4 led someone to kill and be executed, show sympathy, then completely just wipe it off there face and replace it with apathy

Of course even in canon lying could be used as a defense mechanism, and his lying in the au to protect the fact he remembers and in the au kokichi is suffering fr but shuichi doesn’t know that

Sorry if that was wrong it’s just how I see the situation I also feel bad because shuichi had to accuse gonta or else they would all die, and I didn’t want him to be Executed just like kaito I really wanted to believe he didn’t do it but shuichi had to expose the killer. And because he’s finding the truth lol e kaede wanted he’s hurting the people around him, he is killing people for the truth (which makes me think of more things) and losing his support system who might I add has a hero complex that makes him ignore his own problems

I just think it’s a really complicated situation and feel like sometime people blame one charcter and of course that blame can be valid but your also seeing there actions in an impossible situation were every one is in the right and wrong

Sorry again just my thoughs on it, don’t think anyone’s to blame or a bad person

WELL THIS IS LATE!! Wanna preface my answer with the disclaimer that I wasn't and I'm still not Mad at Shuichi for what he said, it was a heated moment and you can tell that Kokichi was actively trying to antagonize his peers and well. He got to face the consequences of that yknow? I am/was disappointed in Shuichi, but I still understand/understood his actions. Also Shuichi's situation in ch4 was so fucking sad oh my goodness. All Of That followed by the Shit Show that was ch5 good golly. ok so let's get into AU TERRITORY RUBS MY LITTLE HANDS EVILLY. Using this as a small excuse to infodump about In Game Shuichi because I have THOUGHTS. I think that Shuichi has A Theory that something is up, (This is Kyoko I-Full-On-Dipped-For-A-Whole-Ass-Chapter-Because-I-Smelled-Bull-Shit Kirigiri's kid, he's got a nose for sniffing out bs) but it's not something that he's really thinking too had about until ch3, when Kaede and Rantaro come back acting a bit Different and hopping between helping Kokichi get away with a lie or calling him out on them the second they spill out of his mouth (implying they know his tells a little better than they used to, they underestimated how much of an overthinker the SHSL Detective can be) it kinda lost his attention upon watching them die again, and all the things going on in ch4 and 5 (regretted not looking into it later tho lmao, bit of a misstep on his part looking back, "I could have gotten us out sooner, we didn't have to go through that" type beat) Shuichi picks up on Kokichi's tells a little faster than canon but doesn't act on it because the Logical side of his brain points out that a Gut Instinct isnt enough to call out what could totally be the truth yknow? A brain that's been lied to and a gut that Fucking Knows having an internal conflict so he chooses not to act. Sorry that this got so far away from the main topic, you're pretty spot on for Shu tho

[comfyswitcherblanketfort]

Silent Treatment

I was really vibing with both of these prompts today so I combined them 🤷‍♀️? I hope y’all Nonies are okay with it? It’s not exact but I think it captures the vibe? I hope?

Warnings: we got mommy issues up in this bitch, on both sides, abandonment, controlling/narcissistic parents, definition of ‘hurt’ isnt explicitly mentioned but is used mainly in the emotional sense, first fight, established geraskier relationship, it ends soft i promise

_______________

Jaskier was surprised by this new side of Geralt every day. He was gentler, attentive, sweet, and even verbally appreciative of Jaskier and the little things he would do. A lot of things were making more sense to Jaskier now that he was seeing Geralt express himself. 

The grunts, for example, were less of a disinterested placation and more of a way to respond without showing his hand. And now that he had no cards to hide, Geralt's grunts and sideways looks were few and far between. They’d been replaced with soft smiles and little murmurs of ‘you’re cute’ and ‘your eyes are very pretty in the morning’. 

Jaskier was constantly on his toes, not in a bad way, just - adjusting. Geralt seemed to drop his walls rather quickly, though that might have been because Jaskier started their relationship off with a big ole’ “I love you and would rather die than take another lover if it upset you.” Surprisingly, Jaskier was having a hard time keeping up. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy it, he just wasn’t prepared to be the one knocked on their ass from a nonchalant compliment. 

He started to loosen up a month or so in. Making jokes again, doting on Geralt in turn, and becoming just as comfortable with their newfound openness. 

Though it wasn’t long before he put his foot in his mouth. They were taking a bath together when he did, Geralt leaning back against his chest as they shared stories of sneaking out in their youth.

“...and then my mother, had the gal to tell me she just ‘wanted the best’ for me. As if putting a seven year old under house arrest for wanting sweets is in any way good for a child? Sometimes I envy you, dear. My mother was a terrible woman. I think I’d have been better off without her. I know my father would have.” 

Geralt had stopped scrubbing at the gunk on his arm and frowned at the wall. 

Jaskier felt his stomach drop as soon as Geralt’s muscles tensed. 

“No you don’t,” he murmured.

“I-” He almost started defending his position, which he had grounds to. His mother was a tyrant and a narcissist who bent everyone to her will and slandered those who wouldn’t bow until they fled. But he knew what he’d said. Geralt had never outright said he missed the good parts of his mother, but Jaskier heard it in all the little bits of stories he had dropped over the years. How he’d wonder what his mother would have thought of what he’d become, who he loved, the causes he’d fought for. Jaskier was all too aware he’d fucked up as he lightly rested his hands over Geralt’s hips, “Darling I didn’t mean it…”

Geralt rocked forward and stood abruptly, water making a sickening slapping sound when it hit the floor as he quickly stepped out, “You had someone to protect you. Even if she was wrong, she still fed you and kept you safe.”

“Protect me?” Jaskier knew he should shut up, a voice in his head was begging him to, but alas, he couldn’t have stopped if he wanted to, “She did what she had to to keep up appearances. Don’t think for a second she protected me.”

Geralt glared at him as he toweled off, “She kept you.”

“Until I no longer worshiped her! I was out on my ass at sixteen for questioning her at the family dinner table!”

Geralt pursed his lips and set his face in a stony mask of indifference, “Okay.”

“Okay?” Jaskier felt a chill, even in the hot bath, at the look on Geralt’s face.

He simply shrugged and dressed for bed, leaving Jaskier to marinade in his stupidity. 

Of course Geralt would see having any type of mother as idyllic compared to his childhood. But there was still a righteous anger burning in Jaskier’s gut as he crossed his arms and sunk into the water up to his nose. Just because it hadn’t been as bad as Geralt’s childhood didn’t mean the things Jaskier had to grapple with were fading any faster. The fact didn’t suddenly absolve Jaskier of the baggage he carried, nor mend his broken relationship. And logically, it wasn’t meant to, but Jaskier was having a hard time seeing anything but red. 

When he got out and went to bed, Geralt was already asleep, or pretending to sleep. Either way Jaskier was too angry to call his bluff and settled down to sleep without nuzzling into his chest. 

In the morning, Geralt was already up and packing, only humming in response when Jaskier said good morning. Jaskier tried to make light conversation, to loosen Geralt up even a little, but it was met with grunts and silence. 

If he’d thought the newfound praise and range of facial expressions were a surprise, this was whiplash. It was like being thrown back a decade, when he’d first decided to stick to Geralt like tar, before he would even call Jaskier by name. He did his best to give Geralt space, but he missed their banter and how Geralt had started holding Jaskier’s hand as they walked. Part of him wanted to lay into him, tear him a new one for telling him how to feel about his mother, but another part of him wanted to wrap around him and apologize profusely, both in words and gentle kisses. Even more than either of those, though, was the sinkhole of guilt in his chest over flippantly hitting Geralt right where it hurt most. 

Finally, Jaskier couldn’t take it anymore. 

They were sitting across the fire from each other, Geralt pointedly not looking at him as the sun sank below the trees. 

“Geralt?”

“Hm.”

Jaskier took a slow breath before he continued, having told himself all day to keep his head on straight when he said his piece, “It’s not okay.”

Geralt just frowned at him. 

“It’s not okay for me to treat something that hurt you so lightly,” he clarified, catching the slight upward twitch of his lover’s brow, “I don’t need to be thankful for someone who hurt me, either. But, I reacted poorly. I’m sorry for snapping. And upsetting you.”

Geralt set another branch into the fire, his eyes narrowed as he thought, “I didn’t… hm…” he frowned and chewed at his chapped lips as he pieced his words together, “I didn’t think she hurt you. I thought you were… griping about a strict rule.”

Jaskier breathed a sigh of relief at getting full sentence responses, “To be fair, I was. And putting my foot in my mouth.” 

The corner of Geralt’s lips twitched up as he shook his head, “I’m sorry I shut down.”

“All’s forgiven,” Jaskier smiled, “I’m sorry I-”

“I know. Come here.” Geralt interrupted, holding a hand out to Jaskier as if to hold it over the fire. Jaskier took up residence across his lap instead, wrapping an arm around Geralt’s neck and laying his cheek on his shoulder, pressing his other palm to Geralt’s chest. Geralt held him securely in place and pressed a kiss to his forehead as he gently swayed, setting a soothing rhythm. 

“I missed you today,” Jaskier whispered, not wanting to break the spell of calm over their little campsite. 

“Don’t worry, I still thought you were cute.” Geralt chuckled, the low rumble under Jaskier’s palm soothing what was left of his worry. 

“Oh good!” Jaskier chirped, loading his words with an extra helping of sarcasm, “Now I’ve had a taste of your honey-sweet words, I might never be able to live without them!”

Geralt cracked a grin as he ran a hand through Jaskier’s silky, fine hair, “We can’t have that.”

“Of course not,” Jaskier giggled, more from the giddy feeling of a lifted weight from his chest than their banter as he lifted his head to look down at Geralt.

The witcher pulled him in for a soft kiss, after all, Geralt was still Geralt. Actions would always come easier than words for him. 

“I love you.” he sighed as their lips parted, only pulling away far enough to get a breath.

“I love you, too.” Jaskier grinned into the next kiss, holding Geralt close for the rest of the night. 

[mefausto19]

something that i think about a lot is the quote from the game where sasha says something along the lines of "this way, people know you're hurting. at least someone will know" in response to "you have so many bruises. so many wounds."

at first, it's just super strange. it's such a jarring leap of logic from a character that we often see as the more reasonable/sane one. but, once you analyze it more, it reveals so much about faust's character and his general story. it might be one of the most important lines for understanding faust's character.

first, i think it really stands to show that faust does not have a healthy mindset. he is also a traumatized child. the problem solving that he can come up with will be flawed and unhealthy, because he has never learned good coping mechanisms either. eno takes up a lot of attention, and is a lot more blatantly fucked up, but this quote really goes to show that faust is too; he is just more quiet about it. he believes that hurting himself is an effective way of solving problems; he believes that his own pain is not important.

both of them come from a background of violence. both of them have no real standard of what normal is. it is unfair to expect faust to be able to solve things or fix mephisto or know what to do, because at the end of the day he is just a deeply traumatized child. a mature child that was forced to grow up too early, but still a child. he cannot guide mephisto, or even himself, because then he will lead them off a metaphorical cliff. he needs help.

next, this quote and the whole situation is a good metaphor for what happens to faust later on. here, he hurts himself, gives himself scars and wounds and bruises in a cry for help. later, mephisto gets his arts, and removes that option from him. we see it over and over: "faust, are you hurt?" literally every single time they show up on screen

it's crazy that this could ever be considered as a bad thing; the natural response to having wounds or scars is to want to heal them, right? self harm should always be avoided or minimized. in this situation it is a good thing. but it also mirrors other situations in faust's life which ARE bad.

pain isn't a bad thing. it has a purpose. it's telling you that something is wrong, so you can fix it. if you ignore pain and pretend it isnt there, things only get worse.

that's what happens with faust and mephisto. mephisto pretends that nothing is wrong; that talulah is still the same woman that took them in, that faust is not desperately miserable, that the crimes that he are doing are not only okay but ideal, and things get worse. he ignores the pain of the people around him and multiplies it with his ignorance.

faust cant hurt himself and ask for help in the only way he learned how; faust is effectively silenced and prevented from talking about how miserable he is.

as a side note: this is also why the official lullabye art lowkey pisses me off, because sasha doesnt have any wounds there (even though eno does). i see a lot of art where eno is drawn with wounds and scars but not sasha, and it bothers me a lot. because we can see that those wounds are important to sasha. theyre one of the only (albeit a really bad, ineffective, and unhealthy) ways that sasha knows how to communicate. in a way, erasing them is erasing his voice, and ignoring all of the pain that he went through. sasha canonically has a lot of wounds as a child.

i just have a lot of feelings ab this issue djfkjekdkl

[furiosity-wills-the-cat]

Chara, the fourth Blook cousin:

A crack theory that accidentally become way more serious than it should have because it somehow, despite my best efforts, ended up making sense

Brought to you by my idiot conspiracy brain (affectionate) and by encouragement from my Tumblr followers

Under the cut for the sake of your dashes and sanity

Ok here we go my very elaborate accidental theory, because in order to answer the complex questions simply you must first make simple things more complex or something

First, you need to know that Chara became a Blook cousin by adoption.

All of the Blooks are adopted.

Ghosts are not born into families, they make their own.

Got it? Great, because we’re about to start running

so first, im gonna make surprisingly uncommon claim in this fandom, and I am going to say that undertale ghosts are all dead

I’m taking the tiny details we know about ghosts and sprinting with them to new places

Ghosts also do not have souls I decided

Undertale souls do not work the same as souls in traditional mythology

So every ghost is soulless Unless and Until they become corporeal

Evidence: Monster souls cant exist without bodies, and ghosts are monsters, therefore ghosts cannot have souls without bodies

Further evidence: Asriel doesnt steal blooky’s soul, blooky is unkillable, we have no concrete evidence that blooky has a soul

What about mettaton? He only has a soul after he has completely committed to being corporeal and to a specific body.

Also maddy and mettaton are both only killable while corporeal

Im also connecting the dots we have about souls in a new creative way so let me live for a second

Additionally, i am going to claim that there are a lot more ghosts than just the blooks, some evidence given below

Theres like actual scientific knowlege of ghosts in the undertale verse which seems unlikely if theres literally only three or four

The underground is so much bigger than you think, theres that giant forest in snowdin, a large town in the ruins, the huge city of new home, who knows how much space in the large open areas of waterfall etc. Its really really big okay

Also based off evidence of blooky, we can conclude that ghosts can turn invisible whenever they want to and/or haunt objects to hide

So I personally think that ghosts are, generally speaking, extremely reclusive

And the blooks are just a special exception, a beautiful family, amazing for them

So anyway im going with typical ghost lore for now, for the sake of ease, so im gonna say ghosts generally come from monsters who are particularly restless or unsatisfied when they die

HOWEVER i dont think they remember being monsters or anything before being a ghost. They just kinda fizzle into existance with a fully formed personality and immortality while being unkillable and feeling vaguely uneasy

ALSO i personally think that chara was a ghost for a long time before they became a blook by adoption

Based on game lore, i think ghosts can possess any inanimate object and just kinda wear it? But it takes a lot of strong emotion to become corporeal

And chara is the super weird exception because they were a human not a monster.

They dont have a soul (i headcanon that their soul got destroyed when asriel died)

And they KNOW this, which is a huge part of why they kinda just... give up

Because they lost their ability to fulfill prophecy

Also, without a soul, they lost their ability to reset, so for the first time since falling underground, theyre subject to the relentless march of time

But theyre still weirdly strong and powerful and more emotional

ALSO they DO still remember being a human but they catch on pretty quickly that other ghosts dont have memories and because chara is stupid they just lie to fit in

Theyre too tired to explain themself, they just want to be alone and feel awful

Now back to ghost lore

Emotions are a lot harder for ghosts??? I decided

And they dont know why,, they tend to blame it on the soul thing

But realistically its actually more of the immortality thing making actions not have consequences and/or or not having a body so they cant have a sense of touch or have physical effects of emotion

They all know that ghosts just tend to be way more floaty and bored and numb

And thats part of why the blooks are so special

Maddy’s rage and Mettaton’s yearning and Napstablook’s misery are like... not great all of the time...

but theyre also way way more emotion than most ghosts have,,, they are just a family supporting each other, being as functional as they can,, just an emo(tional) ghost family

most ghosts barely do anything except like stare at walls but the blooks have their snail farm and that helps them have purpose and it is good

And they hold each other accountable and it is nice

So anyway chara just chills and is in a depression coma for a few decades before the blooks find them and are like “our child/baby cousin”

and they raise them for a cool minute

They are all very protective of the new baby emo blook

And chara doesnt get therapy but at the very least they once again have a family, and they decide they want to try to become corporeal eventually just like mtt and maddy

So anyway chara starts hanging out in the ruins a lot more and they finally tell the blooks theyre leaving to go become corporeal in the ruins

This is actually because they are trying to hang out with toriel

because they miss their mom ;;

but chara’s not gonna admit that to anyone, especially not to themself

And because theyre still repressing their emotions constantly and pretending to be fine, they cant become corporeal

And they hang out in the ruins for a long time because they feel guilty lying to everyone about everything

They still feel like its their fault that all the monsters are stuck underground, because they were SUPPOSED to save everyone and they COULDNT and it HURTS

But again, they are doing too much repression to use this guilt to become corporeal,

so instead they just kinda hide and watch toriel from a distance and cry

Blooky visits them the most, thats why blooky is chilling in the ruins so much at the start of the game

Theyre just there to visit their shy baby cousin ;;

Ofc they wont tell frisk about this because chara wants space and privacy and blooky respects that

but maddy and mtt also visit them a lot

Oh also when mtt and maddy start dissapearing, blookys mental health plummets as their family and support system starts to dissolve

Blooky was actually doing extremely well (for a ghost) for a long time, i headcanon,

but theyre doing the worst theyve been in a long long time during the game, because of family issues

So anyway, chara dissapears when frisk shows up, and maddy assumes this is becaude frisk hurt their fragile feelings

Maddy spends hours desperately searching the ruins for chara and cant find them and assumes that they had their heart crushed and went to hide and disappear in a depression coma for another few decades, and thats part of why maddy is so furious with frisk

Like,, to be clear, maddy is still jumping to conclusions and throwing blame around with no proof, but also, its a logical conclusion to come to

And mettaton has already disappeared too and been gone for a while, too, by this point, so it hurts even worse

But anyway, what actually happened to chara is that;

Because chara is a human ghost, not a monster ghost, normal ghost rules dont apply to them

And they can possess living things too they find out

Maybe they knew it a long time ago, maybe its a new discovery, but for whatever reason they end up possessing frisk and theyre like “what the heck”

And frisk still has most of the control

But now chara is like,,, “this is my chance, im a human again, gotta save the world for real,,,”

and they cant explain this to anyone without revealing their past

so they just chill in frisk’s mind while being super crypic and trying to figure out how it works

Pacifist route, this is pretty much exactly what happens

They manage to help frisk save the day

And in my headcanon, the no mercy route is started by frisk who is scared when faced by monsters attacking them

And then chara, who was aready hiding in a semidepression coma for a while, immediately transitions to a panicked “gotta protect this body, gotta protect my chance to be human, i died and threw away my chance to save everyone the first time, i CANNOT lose this chance again”

And so the combination of both frisk and chara is the genocide run

Because frisk kills in self defense, and whenever frisk hesitates, chara jumps in

Also theres leftover feelings from the whole asriel incident

Because again, ghosts come from monsters who died unsatisfied

And chara’s main source of unsatisfaction is how they were trying to get asriel to kill people before he died and then he didnt

So thats a strong strong feeling ruling them

So anyway by the time they both realize how bad its become they figure its too late and also the amount of LOVE has made them numb

And thats when chara who, despite everything, still has idiot hero complex and thinks they need to save the world

So, while panicking, they step in at the very end, and erase the timeline and delete everything

And also to clarify

They DONT HAVE this power at any other point in the game

Because, guess why

They become corporeal

Just like maddy, the no mercy route is the only thing that gives them strong enough emotion to spontaneously become corporeal

So they become corporeal and as soon as they have a soul again and can reset again, they just erase everything

Ok back to fluff

Post pacifist route, they are still a non corporeal ghost

They can still float around and look just like the other blooks

And it takes them a while to open up about things, but they do end up moving back in with blooky so that blooky isnt completely alone

And also they do way better with a family

Also they can float through the mountain and talk to flowey down below and bring him news

And now that they know about him, they can bond with him and explain that they dont have a soul either but that doesnt mean theyre worthless

Oh ALSO

The other dead humans dont have ghosts

BECAUSE

ghosts only come from restless dead MONSTERS

and chara is the weird special exception

Because they were a monster when they died

They became a ghost and asriel didnt because they were way more restless and stressed than asriel was when both of them died

Like sure, asriel felt awful, but chara was the one who was way more like “this is my fault, i CANT die now, the world NEEDS me”

So anyway

charablook the emo tween ghost and asriel flowey the eldrich goat daisy are siblings once more and they hang out and eventually they are okay and have a family again

Thank you for reading, this has been my thoughts on a crack theory that accidentally went too far

This isnt even everything, maybe i’ll make a part two eventually, but i promised to have this post out like two days ago, so i wanted to post SOMTHING

Anyway leave your thoughts if youd like

Im not looking for people to disprove it, i already know its crazy, i dont think it was intentional by the game writers, but i do think its a fun concept

thats the fun of it, so if anyone wants to run with it im all for it lol

Thanks again! Have a nice day!

[artreider]

Station 19 rewatch: 4x14

Going to try to do another rewatch before my family wakes up. We have a lot to do today and there is a dark cloud over the house after loaing our cat this week. Here's hoping i can get through one of my favorite episodes before they get up.

Surrera is so cute here and the whole food thing, like girl where is our payoff on this baby that was so clearly teased. Or is there another medical condition that could be blamed on her excessive eating.

Im so glad maya and andy are friends again. I loge their friendship.

I'm glad andy acknowledges that getting married doesnt fix things; but i worry that if maya and carina hit a rough patch, andy will remind maya of this conversation or use her own issues with sullivan and their marriage as an i told you so.

Danielle is beautiful but does anyone else think she lost weight, random question but just looking at her in her uniform there she seems smaller and it worries me. Didnt really notice last time i watched this episode but am i alone in this.

Oh carina baby you so dont want to go. I just want to hug you.

Jack is so cute, he deserves a family so much but i really do fear he'll be killed off.

Im surprised ben reached out to Sullivan instead of dean.

I love this outfit on maya. Carina your girl is flirting with you and thinking of happier times, engage with her.

I love that maya opens up with carina about her dad and the protests and the happenings in the world with him. It shows so much growth and im here for it. Also anyone else annoyed that one carina answered gabriella's phone call when maya is opening up to her and two that she didnt turn it off for their last few hours together.

The look of like disappointment/devestation on maya's face when carina answers the call and walks away from her is too much hurt.

So sad that bailey isnt there and that ben is alone for even a second of this.

I'm glad andy and sullivan came to be there with ben. Like i get why they wanted andy but im sad after ben and Dean's episode dean wasnt there.

Oh jack, i dont even know what to say besides oh jack lol.

The drama with trash girl is too much lmao. I know its important for jack/inara but its just too much.

Carina packing up her knives being a trigger for maya like she's leaving forever is heartbreaking.

Carina snapping at maya hurts, dont be mean to baby. Also the kitchen sign is totally carina's doing and though she hadnt confided in maya yet that she is her home its a dead giveaway.

I really need screen grabs of the changing words on the sign.

The kids talk, the coming out talk and the marriage talk are all things that should not be done while packing or doing anything else.

Wait it totally sounded like she said "it felt pregnant" lmao or i just have babies on the brain.

Now carina being flirty and maya not reciprocating.

Maya you shouldve pushed the marriage talk now if it was what you really wanted. Instead of letting carina drop the i never wanted to get married bomb and walk away.

Andy and ben together, this friendship is beautiful. I feel like it took several seasons for ben to really get in good the team. Im trying to think of other moments besides the prt support and such when he really connected with folks before this season and none come to mind. He has been an outlier from my memory, tell me im wrong with examples please.

Lmao "you slept with my wife which means we are in a pod", things a pandemic makes funny.

Thats just wrong, giving gibson shit still. Dont hit the puppy with the newspaper when he's doing nothing wrong.

Once again with gabriella, seriously carina turn off your phone and be present with maya and maya alone.

Maya's jealousy is everything. This argument ugh, so good and just the tip of the iceberg.

I hope that maya does take the month break and the months after to really get to know the us immigration system and what it will take for carina to become an american citizen as well as learn more italian. I dont need her fluent but id love to see her use some italian with carina. She lost her brother who she spoke to in her native tongue itd be nice for her to gain that in her wife.

I love how carina stops herself as she raises her voice at maya, like she realizes it may be triggering to maya. I really do think the show and actresses put in a lot in this episode to show how well they know each other and have grown. I feel like they talk more even if we dont see it and maya is working on her issues with carina's love and support. I also do love how this argument ends though ;)

Once again maya opening up and finally carina is there and not sidetracked. And its nice carina opens up as well.

Ben's dream with the different versions of himself and his mom is funny and heartbreaking.

Joey in the dream lmao.

The nice thing about ben is if he gets hurt on the job and cant be a firefighter anymore he has other professions to fall back on.

Oh jack. I just want you to get your happy ending.

I still think its so weird to be talking about jack after they had sex but im glad they are in a place that is so comfortable and can laugh about him.

Once again another bomb dropped, kids. This is something that needs to be discussed properly.

Oh maya dont drop the marriage bomb like that. And i guess i dont underatand the outrage of the "just because", like why would carina think it was anything but that when it was dropped on her like that and after she said she didnt want to get married. This fight is so much about misunderstandings and hurtful comments.

I get how maya's fear gets the best of her here especially after carina said they just moved in together because they didnt want to be apart (asif that is a bad thing) and it was bureaucracy.

And i can understand why maya's fear hurts carina but they both needed to take a minute to breathe and try to talk it out.

I do like when carina tells maya to breathe, again like she knows her triggers and feels maya is on the verge of a panic attack.

If carina felt she married maya when she moved in i really dont see the harm in making it official. Would her having been moved out in italy for 6 months or more have felt like a divorce. I really need to know more about her logic here.

I agree why not just do it.

You've both said enough carina. I hate that she just walks away, so un carina like.

How did jack end up at the hospital? Was he called or what?

Andy is such a good friend this episode, checking on everyone.

Gabriella is so right noone wants to be proposed to the way maya kind of did. Like i cant help but wonder how carina would've taken a true proposal.

Im so glad gabriella spoke some truth to carina and turned her around on the marriage idea.

If we let the wrong decisionss rule how we live our lives things in the world would be so different. Less babies possibly and fewer marriages among other things.

Once again andy being a good friend this episode.

If carina hadnt shown up im curious what maya's next move wouldve been after talking to andy.

Love the proposal and love how its carina who announces they are getting married.